Meant To Be
by bookworm1011
Summary: James Potter and Lily Evans were Meant To Be. How did they end up there though? It sure wasn't easy. Swearing/and M Later on.
1. Chapter 1

**Meant to Be **

**Depressed**

It was 4:30 in the morning. The sun hadn't even begun to show over the tops of the not so distant trees of the forbidden forest. James Potter had given up on sleeping over two hours ago. He was going to look like shit in the morning. Not that it was any different from the last few weeks anyways. Not that he really cared either. He knew his friends were getting worried about him, he was just past the point of caring now. He sighed and pressed his forehead against the cool glass of the window. He could feel his wire rim glasses digging into nose. He didn't care though. He found that caring hurt too much.

He hadn't always been like this. This unemotional monster he could slowly feel himself turning into. The monster that didn't care if hurt himself or the others around him. He knew he was hurting others around him, but the monster didn't care. At first a small part of him had felt bad for those around him, as they had watched him deteriorate rapidly before their eyes, but that phase had passed to indifference, before he could even start to change back to his old happy self.

Happy. It was such a fucking stupid word. Who could really be happy in a world like this? With all the death and destruction surrounding their lives, he couldn't. In the beginning he had tried, but eventually it had been pointless. He watched them, the ones who tried to be happy. They had smiles on there faces, laughing with their friends about pointless things. At least they were until they glanced his way. You could actually see the smiles slide off their faces. They were all the same. Feel bad for a few minutes, stay quiet not look at each other than be right back at their laughing and joking, as if nothing had happened. The part the pissed him off the most was that he used to be one of those people.

He could see the faint outline of light slowly rising in the east. Another day, though all the days ran together now it didn't matter whether the sun set or rose. He stood up not wanting to be around when his friends woke up. Having no set destination in mind he just started walking. Not really seeing anything that he was passing, he let his mind drift.

He couldn't even remember the last few months. Seventh year they were supposed to be having the time of their life, and he couldn't even remember the last time he had a full conversation with someone. The worst part was he didn't even care. Sure he knew he wasn't the only one hurting, if you could call it that, for he felt no emotion. People just dealt with pain differently. Who fucking cared if he shut himself off from everyone else, well his friends did, but after a while they just sat back and watched silently.

James stopped in the middle of the hall suddenly overcome with a wave of anger. That's what he got for letting his mind drift. He had to let it out, or else it would come out later, on an unsuspecting individual, not that he really cared. He kicked the nearest object in sight.

"What did that suit of armor ever do to you?"

James turned around suddenly, his breath catching. "And how would that be your business?" He growled at the tiny red head standing behind him.

"Well it's called defacing school property, and as Head Girl it's my job to punish those who disobey the rules. But you should know that, since you are Head Boy." Lily Evans shot back without even flinching.

"Well I didn't ask to be Head Boy, I don't care about rules, and I don't like how you're bothering me. So. Leave. Me. Alone." He snapped, grinding his teeth over the last few words.

"What the hell's your problem Potter? You're not the only one who has lost family in this war." Lily said, stepping closer to prove that she wasn't afraid of him.

"I don't care what you have to say, you don't know what I'm going through, so get the fuck out of my business." James was already walking away as he hissed the words out through his teeth, inches away from shouting at her.

He was already rounding the corner when she muttered three words he couldn't hear, "actually I do."

It pissed him off when people got on his case like Lily Evans just had; he had every right to be angry all the time. His whole family dead in one single night, and where had he been? Partying with his friends, he shuddered at the thought.

It had been the last weekend before his Seventh year at Hogwarts had started. His father had told him that he had to be present at his Mother's 55th birthday celebration. He had said of course he would be there, wouldn't miss it being his exact words. That had been until Sirius had shown up after spending a week with Remus. "I got some firewhisky, last weekend of the summer; come on it'll be fun." He didn't think twice. Until three hours later and he realized he was late. After rushing home and finding nothing left of his house. Dozens of people he knew and loved sprawled out all over the ground, staring up at nothing.

The shock had come quickly, than the anger, followed swiftly by the guilt. He knew deep down he there was no reason to feel guilty, it was just what if? What if he had been there would they be alive? He knew the answer, no, he would be dead. At this point anything would be better than what he was feeling right now.

It was the end of November now. Three months to the day, and it didn't seem to be getting any easier either. Whatever I'll deal with it, he thought moodily. Wishing that he could just turn off his brain and not have to think at all, yet no one seemed to allow him to do that. His friends had refused to give up on him entirely and it was pissing him off.

James made his way sub-consciously to the great hall, sitting down and eating. He never paid attention to went on around him anymore, so when he didn't look up as his friends sat down around him, they didn't pay much attention to it. After awhile the great hall filled and the noise picked up. It wasn't as cheerful as it had been a few years ago, but today everyone seemed in a better mood than most days.

"So James you excited about the big match against Ravenclaw today?" Sirius asked, looking hopeful. Remus nodded next to him.

"Oh, I forgot about it," he said after a moment not looking up.

"But aren't you playing?" Asked Remus, shooting a worried glance at Sirius than Peter.

"Yeah, I guess so," stated James indifferently. "Guess I should head down to the dressing rooms." He stood up not waiting for anyone to say anything.

It was a surprise he was still on the team. Up until last year he had been the star player, living, breathing, eating Quidditch. That was probably the only reason he was still on the team. His team mates had some strange idea he would snap out of it and be there star player again. He barely showed up to practice, there was little hope.

He made his way slowly down to the field. When he entered the change room he barely registered the huge sigh of relief that went through the room.

"Thank God Potter; we were beginning to think you weren't going to show up. You only have five minutes to get dressed," said the Captain with a huge sigh of relief. They still had hope he would be able to play.

He didn't even look at any of them. He just went through the motions not taking the time to think about what he was doing, five years of doing the same routine did that to you. When the team reached the spot where they would mount, he heard the gasp. Looking up for the first time, he realized that the gasp was for him. No one had seen him do anything for months, and yet here he was about to mount his broom. Probably wondering if I'm back to my old self, he thought bitterly. This is who he is now and they would just have to get used to it.

The whistle went, and he mounted his broom. He could feel the air whipping against his cheeks. He flew higher and higher, not paying any attention to what was going on around him. When he finally leveled out he looked down. It was a long way down, he wondered what it would feel like to let go a feel the air whipping past him. He let go and felt the air whoosh past him the air screaming in his ears. Than there was a different type screaming. Than all he saw was blackness.

Authors Note: So here is the first chapter, Please Review.


	2. Chapter 2

**Unwanted**

He could hear the voices. At first it was just a blur, just voices, making no sense at all. Than it was words, _fall_, _help_, _depressed_, _late_. Than I could hear the full sentences, around that time was when I wished that my ears would stop working.

I didn't like what I was hearing, because I was positive it was me they were referring to. _He_ _needs constant attention, he can not return to the state that he was in_. I knew that whatever was coming was not going to be good. I tried to think back, tried to figure out the reason I was lying in what I assumed to be the hospital wing. I couldn't remember anything at all. The last thing I remembered was hanging out with Sirius and Remus on the last weekend before school started. I assumed it was winter or at least almost, I could smell the fireplace burning that woodsy smell I had always loved.

I thought harder trying to remember what had happened for me to end up in the hospital wing. What the people surrounding me were saying wasn't good. Though I couldn't figure out how that referred to me. I wasn't depressed, was I? Well I certainly didn't have a death wish. Why would I need to be constantly watched?

I lay there perfectly still, though I had a feeling that even if I tried to move I wouldn't be able to. Than a sentence caught my attention, _Lily Evans would be capable of making sure he could cope_. Lily Evans, I mentally smiled. The girl of my dreams, everything about her made me lose my head, probably the reason she didn't take me seriously. She was petite and had a fiery temper that matched her hair but not her size.

I was almost beginning to hope that it was me that they were referring to, that was until I remembered why they were discussing Lily Evans in the first place. I just couldn't get my head around it, I didn't feel depressed, and I didn't have a reason to be. At least I couldn't think of one.

I couldn't take it anymore I had to know what they were talking about. Almost unwillingly I opened my eyes. It was Professor McGonagall, Professor Dumbledore and Madam Pomfrey who the ones were discussing me. They looked down when I open my eyes.

"Ah, Mr. Potter welcome back"

"What happened?" I said confused whatever it was I knew it couldn't be good, I could feel the bandage on his head now, and I ached slightly all over.

"Well you took a tumble, from quite a high height," the Headmaster said with a small smile on his face that almost disappeared right away.

"I fell?"

"Yes, during the game."

"I fell off my _broom_?" I could feel the shock on his face. "How did _I _fall off _my_ broom?" It sounded cocky, but I had never fallen off my broom ever, even when I was learning. Or that time when I got hit in the arm with a bludger in third year and I managed to finish the game without fainting.

"Well Mr. Potter you haven't really been yourself lately."

"Haven't been myself, what do you mean?" I said way past being confused.

"Well ever sense your Mothers birthday…"

My Mothers birthday. It all came flooding back to me, they were all dead, my whole family. I hadn't been there though I was supposed to be. The weeks after, how I had withdrawn from everyone. Fuck, I was the one who they were talking about, and I was depressed. I could feel it now, the immense sadness just waiting to spill over me. I couldn't let it get me, though I had no idea to keep away from it. I could see clearly for the first time in months, and yet I knew with one wrong move I would be right back to where I had been not that long ago.

"Oh God…" I moaned. I remembered now, I had flown straight up, looked down and wondered what it would feel like to fall, and than just let go. I had fallen, I did need help, I was depressed, and quickly or else it would be too late.

"It's ok Mr. Potter, we are going to get you help, Lily Evans has agreed to stay close by you and keep you on track, she agreed rather reluctantly, but she did agree." Madam Pomfrey said in her no nonsense tone; I used to know so well.

Wait, hadn't they just been talking about asking Lily? How did they already know she would agree to it?

"How long have I been out for?"

"Five days, your friends have been in quite often. They've been worried as they should be, that was a small fall you had," stated McGonagall.

Aw shit, I couldn't believe I had fallen off my broom. I mean seriously if I had to be a little suicidal, could I have jumped off a tower or something, it had to be my broom.

I could already tell that I was better than I had been five days ago, I mean I still didn't feel all that great, but it was better than that indifferent monster that I had been.

"When do I get to leave?" I muttered moodily.

"Tomorrow afternoon," Madam Pomfrey said with an air of finality.

I rolled over and shut my eyes hoping they would get the hint, they did. I just lay there for a while trying extremely hard to keep the thoughts I knew wouldn't be good for me out of my head. Eventually I fell into a fitful sleep. My dreams were filled with dark marks, family members and close friends laying spread eagle over the ground where my house had once stood. Eventually it turned into a dream where I was flying, high, high up in the air; I could feel the wind in my hair. Than all of a sudden I was falling and there was screaming I looked to the ground and my family was staring back at me with non-seeing eyes, I was so close to they ground, I screamed.

I woke to someone shaking me, and screaming coming from nearby. Why wouldn't they stop? It was than that I realized it was me screaming. Madam Pomfrey wasn't shaking me she was trying to hold me down, I was tossing everywhere. I stopped, panting slightly, I was drenched.

"It's alright James, it's alright," Madam Pomfrey said soothingly. I lay there looking at the ceiling, this just plain sucked.

It was the next afternoon, I was dressed and waiting for Lily to come a get me. Apparently we had these special Head rooms, but I had been to out of it at the beginning of the school year to live there. Since Lily would be watching me, I had to use them now.

My friends had come and visited that morning but it had been awkward, I could tell that they didn't know what to do or say, though I hadn't known what to say either. _Hey guys, so I'm doing soooo much better now, but watch out I can be slightly crazy sometimes, oh and apparently I scream in my sleep now, goodbye to sleep._ Yeah right like I would fucking say that.

When Lily finally arrived, I was extremely agitated. Madam Pomfrey had been hovering around me, driving me fucking insane, checking this and that. I must have scared her last night. Though if I was truthful I had scared myself just as bad.

"Are you ready?" Asked Lily when she showed up after waiting forever.

I just nodded; I couldn't remember how I had treated her the last few months, though if her tone was any indication, it couldn't have been good.

"Make sure he drinks a spoonful of this before he goes to bed every night," said the nurse handing Lily a bottle of a dark green potion. Well this was fucking great; I was being put on drugs.

The walk to the head dorms was very quiet; I was going to lose my mind if this was what I was going to have to deal with. This is probably why it had gotten to bad before, they tried to help me when I was upset, and not when I was depressed. As we came to an unfamiliar portrait she turned to me, and spoke for the first time.

"The password is Inner Peace, and no I didn't make it. So don't say anything."

"Wouldn't dream of it," I muttered, she wasn't really being fair. I must have been awful the last few weeks.

It looked like a smaller version of the Gryffindor tower. I sat down in front of the fire. She sat at the nearby table, and pulled out a book. I sat there. For the longest time it was quiet on the turning of pages and crackling of the fire. I could feel the silence pounding in my ears. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore, the thoughts I was trying very hard to keep out came in. My house gone, my family gone, and it's all my fault.

"You need to talk to me," I pleaded standing up.

"Why? I'm here isn't that enough?" Lily asked look genuinely confused.

"No, you need to distract me, the silence…" I couldn't finish my sentence; I just put my head in hands and rubbed my eyes trying to get the images out of my head.

"Well that wasn't part of the deal; I said I would stay with you, no one mention having to actually talk to you."

"You can't be serious, I'm going to lose it if I have to sit here in absolute silence, I can't deal with my thoughts you _have_ to distract me," I moaned at her I was getting angry though angry was good. I knew I had been angry the last few months; it hadn't really been at anyone. I was definitely angry at Lily now. Wasn't part of the deal? I didn't realize there was a deal.

Anger was an emotion and it would distract me from the awful thoughts just on edge of my mind. I would fight with Lily if I had to be distracted.


	3. Chapter 3

**We Just Don't Get Along**

"Do you want me to go back to what I was? I don't even remember most of the last few months, I was pretty much nothing. You're just going to let me go back to that?" I wasn't shouting at her but I wasn't talking either.

"Oh you were something alright. You were a mean, inconsiderate, MONSTER," Lily shrieked the last word.

"Was I now? What did I do?"

"Oh you know perfectly well what you did?" She said between her teeth her eyes narrowed into tiny slits.

"Well actually I don't, I can't remember any events between the last weekend of the summer," I sucked in a breath and closed my eyes tight, "and six days ago. I just remember the feelings that went along with it. What was I feeling you may ask, nothing I felt nothing."

"Oh," was all she could squeak.

"So what did I do to you to make you hate me even more?"

"Well at first all I tried to do was talk to, Sirius asked me too since they hadn't been able to get through to you. Most of the time you just ignored me, but the last time I tried you turned to me and was all 'fuck you'. So than I only spoke to when I absolutely had to, mostly I told you off, but you just ignored me anyways so it didn't really matter. Though on the day of the Quidditch match, I tried talking to you and you got all defensive and told me to mind my own business. That is basically why I was all pissed off at you." She said this all really fast, and after all I could do is stare.

"Well?"

"Well I guess I'm really sorry?" I didn't really know what she wanted me to say. It wasn't really my fault I hadn't been with it.

"Is that it? You guess you're sorry, I can't believe you." She stood up in a huff. "Well here's your homework from the last week I'll be in my room, DON'T bother me. I can't stand you at all." She stomped off.

Well at least I would have something to think about. I could fume over our very civilized conversation.

I started classes the next week. Even if I could have physically gone to class they had decided I needed a bit of time to prepare myself, and I definitely agreed. I wasn't ready to have to see anyone yet. I could already imagine the rumors going around, and before I might not have cared but I sure did now.

I still hadn't looked at myself yet, though I wasn't going to admit I was afraid of what I had become. When I ran my hand over my face I could feel the gruffness from my lack of shaving, I couldn't remember the last time I had shaved. I could see Lily eyeing me from time to time, a frown on her face I could only take to be concern. We still weren't on the best of terms, but she understood that I needed conversation, so she caught me up on all I had missed since school had started. I didn't have any notes at all.

So when Sunday evening rolled around I knew what I had to do. I locked myself in the bathroom, and took a look in the mirror. I was shocked, my cheeks were hollowed out, like hadn't been eating properly. My hair was shaggy and limp, my face scruffy. I couldn't stand to look at myself. Why had everyone let me get this bad?

I did everything in my power to look better. Though there was only so much I could do, even after shaving my face still looked awful, I had no colour on my face. I was startled by a pounding on the door.

"Potter what are you doing? You've been in there long enough, it doesn't take someone that long to take a shower," Lily yelled at me from the other side of the door.

"Can't a guy have some peace?" I asked opening the door, and stepping out.

"Oh," she looked me up and down, "Sorry, I was told to watch you and not let you be by yourself for long periods of time." I gestured to my face. "Yes I can that you shaved. Sorry I didn't realize you would notice or take the time." She looked embarrassed as a red tint flooded her cheeks.

I was slightly peeved. That even after spending three days with me, seeing the improvement I had made, she would assume I was doing something to hurt myself.

She could tell by my expression that I didn't like the judgment. "Look I'm sorry, again. I didn't realize that you would be thinking about things like your appearance."

"Whatever Evans." I could tell she was gearing up for a fight, but I just wasn't that into it. "I'm headed to bed."

I left her with a speechless expression on her face.

My days began to fall into a routine. I was slowly going back to the way I had been, slowly. Evans and I began to fight, a lot. Most of it was stupid stuff, me not paying attention, her paying to much attention. We would scream and swear, than an hour later be talking again. Sometimes our fights would become more extreme. Our different opinions on the war, I wanted to fight, she wanted it to end and there be peace.

These fights were nothing compared to what was about to come.

We were sitting in the common room after another day of classes. These were the hardest days, when everything felt like it was going back to normal. Not that I didn't want it, it was just hard to deal with. I signed and put my head in my hands. I could hear Lily huff across the table.

"You aren't the only one going through a tough time you know, plenty of people have lost their lives, and their families are carrying on just fine. Why can't you?" She said this without looking at me.

"What do you mean? Why can't I? I can't because I should be dead too, I should have been there," I cried out, anger ripping its way through my body.

"Isn't that a reason to carry on? Isn't that what your family would want?" She looked at me with large green eyes, a slight fury crossing them. "They would want you to carry on with your life."

"I can't!" The chair fell over as I stood up. "You don't know what I'm going through so leave me alone." I turned my back on her.

"How would you know that I don't know? You don't even pay attention to what goes on around you. Did you know that six students have gone home, because a family member was killed, SIX!" Lily was also standing now.

"I lost my WHOLE family, EVERYONE. There is no one left except for me. I don't have anyone to go home to anymore, even if I could." I was yelling now, but she was shrinking back, I was glad I needed someone to stand up to me.

"Well I have no one either, and I'm dealing A LOT better than you," though she tried to hide it, I could still hear the quiet sob in her words.

"What do you mean?"

"My parents died three years ago, in a car crash. My sister won't speak to me anymore. I have no one else." She stood up straighter, looking extremely fierce for a tiny girl. "That doesn't stop me from carrying on with my life." She glared at me, waiting to see what I would say. But I could say anything what was there to say. After realizing I wasn't going to be replying, she stormed out. I sat down in silence.

It was a few hours later when Lily came back. I was still sitting in the exact same position as I had been when she had left, in front of the now almost extinct fire. I stood when she came in, she eyed me warily. I could see from where I was standing that she had been crying, and it broke even more of what there was left of my heart. I closed the distance quickly.

I pulled her into my arms and held her, murmuring into her hair, "I'm so, so sorry. Maybe if I would have had someone to hold me when I was upset it would have helped me more."

I could feel her start crying again, and I just held her tighter. We stood there for a long time just holding each other; it was what we both needed. It didn't matter in that moment that we didn't always get along, all that mattered was that we had someone who understood what the other was feeling.

* * *

Authors Note: So i'm going to try and update as often as i can but no super fast ones school is sooooo busy this year all ready and its only the thrid day:( hoped you liked it and please review:) love to know what you think good or bad!


	4. Chapter 4

**Learning to Live**

After our last argument Lily and I had an unspoken agreement, we wouldn't mention what had happened; we also wouldn't get on each others cases so much. So far it had worked pretty well. A few mishaps on my side, but she got me right back up. I was beginning to feel like my old self, be able to laugh with my friends at lunch, though I still caught their awkward glances flashing between the three of them fairly often. It seemed more natural, and I was glad to be back.

Christmas was coming up fast, less than a week away. I was so thankful that all my friends were staying including Lily; I was beginning to depend on them.

I was up for my usual check up in the Hospital Wing. I was sick of these visits, even if I needed them, I couldn't handle the tedious questions that never changed.

"How have you been?"

"Same as last week, better."

"Have you felt any of the signs coming back on?"

"Nope."

"Can you see any reason for that to change?"

I sighed, "No, I can't see any."

"Well Mr. Potter we're going to take you off your dreamless sleep potion. You seem to be coping so much better than five weeks ago. Let me know if there is any change."

I was speechless, "Umm… yeah ok." I must really be getting better, the thought thrilled me. Too finally off the Dreamless Sleep shit they keep feeding me. I shuddered, tasted like the smell of old socks.

I left the hospital wing, and headed out in the castle, it was the last Hogsmeade visit before Christmas. I just needed to wander, silence was slowly beginning to help me again, and I was able to sort my thoughts now, instead of drown in them. Lily had been right, I need to keep on living my life it's what my family would want.

I set off to find Sirius. He wasn't that hard to find, especially since I had the map. He was in the Library. It was a good thing I did look at the map or else I never would have found him. Sirius and a Library? Two words I never thought would be connected. When I got there I found him hiding behind some a stack of books.

"What are you doing?"

"Hiding what does it look like, now either hide with me or get away. You're giving me away." Sirius whispered from behind the books. I sat down.

"What are you hiding from?"

"There's this one girl, and she won't leave me alone. So no one would think of looking for me in here. Wait… How did you know to look for me here?" I held up the map. "Ah so I'm still safe, good." I laughed I couldn't believe Sirius' logic sometimes. "So what's up?"

"There letting me off that disgusting potion I was on," I said grimacing.

"Hey right on, means your getting better right?" I nodded. "You know James; you had us really scared for a while. We didn't know what to do, I think if you hadn't gotten hurt I would just been like fuck it, he needs help."

"Thanks Padfoot, I'm glad you did have to step in though. Would have made this even harder than it already was," I lowered my head, I was embarrassed still couldn't believe what I had put them through the last few months.

"Don't mention it Prongs, just glad to have you back." He smiled at me, sat up and clapped me on the shoulder.

Just behind me I suddenly heard a shrill voice, "Siiirrriuss, there you are I've been looking everywhere."

Sirius shot up, "Gotta go, catch ya later." I laughed, leave it Sirius to have to run away from a harmless girl, or not so harmless once I got a good look at her. That made me laugh even more.

"What's so funny?" Lily asked sitting down and moving the stack of books that had been Sirius' hiding place to the side.

"Oh just Sirius, you know the usual girl troubles." Now she laughed. I hadn't really looked at her, like really looked at her for a long time, she looked good.

"You can always count on that to stay the same around here," she said still laughing.

"Yup, you sure can he's one of the few things that does stay the same."

"Well there are other things that stay the same too, like you. You went through a phase but I guess you have always been a pretty ok guy, very dependable. I mean look at you and you can't help but laugh." The smirk never left her face, as she was saying this.

Now I don't normally read between the lines, but I couldn't help it here. She said I was dependable. Now maybe not quite in the right context, or for the last couple of months, but overall I was dependable and that's got to count for something.

"You know me, Mr. Dependable." I said going along with the joke. "Though I'm pretty sure that when I used to want a good laugh you would get all pissed at me, and tell me off. Sound familiar?"

"You were so dependable on giving me the right reaction, so easy to pick a fight with you, still is."

"Oh I wouldn't be so sure about that, when was the last time we fought about something that actually made sense, other than you know that one fight like two weeks ago." I hadn't realized where I was going with that sentence. It kind of stung but I could get past it.

"Well I guess it was last year on the train when you asked me out, again," putting a lot of emphasis on the _again_.

"Well I could do it again, you know for old time's sake." She would hate that. I could still remember all the comebacks she used to give me, she had a lot of creativity that was for sure.

"Old times sake… yeah," she said quietly, seeming very distracted.

That had not been the reaction I was expecting. I figured she would have snapped at me. Told me not to fall back on old habits, which I wasn't planning on anyways, fat lot of good it did me. Lily was still starring off into space, "Earth to Lily, hello, you there?"

"What…huh, oh yeah sorry. Listen I just remembered I have to do this thing. So I'll see you tonight, bye." She scampered off. That was the weird Lily never did stuff like that, she was so focused, all the time. I didn't let it bother me. I groaned as I picked up my bag and pulled out the 13 inch essay I had due on Wednesday, great.

Later that night I was headed up the common room, I realized I still hadn't told Lily that I was free from the awful shit she kept forcing down my throat, finally. It was stupid how they thought I would get addicted to Dreamless Sleep, it tasted gross. Whatever I wasn't going to argue, but I was beginning to get the feeling Lily was enjoying watching me choke it down.

I entered the common room to find Lily sitting on the couch in front of the fire, just staring. It was the second time I had found her just staring. It was odd, sense she was regularly so focused.

"Hey Lily, everything all right?" I asked sitting next to her.

"Huh, what? Oh yeah everything's totally fine." She stuttered looking startled.

"Ok, well I just wanted to let you know that I'm finally off that gross stuff you've been forcing me to take," I smiled at her.

"Oh that's great."

"Yeah," I looked at her from the corner of my eye; she still seemed distracted, "so I'm just going to head off to bed. See ya in the morning." I glanced back at her once I was on the stairs; she was still staring at the fire.

The next few weeks were so much better, I slept fine, I acted fine, and everything felt fine. Lily still was not herself, I found her in so many of those stares that I had lost track. It was Christmas Eve, not a day I was looking forward too. The Marauders, Lily and I had just been hanging out; everyone had gone to bed with plans to see each other in the morning.

As soon as I was in bed I knew something wasn't right, I just ignored the feeling. I knew I was going to be busy in the morning, so I just pushed any unease I felt from my mind and crawled into bed.

I was woken up by Lily shaking me two hours later. Her screams for me to calm down mixed with my screams.

"James calm down its ok it was just a bad dream," she pulled me up and held me whispering into my hair, it sounded like she was trying to calm herself down as much as she was trying for me.

"I know, I know," I was still shaking; I hadn't dreamed that dream since I had been put on the Dreamless sleep. I figured since I had been off it for two weeks I would be alright now. Guess I was wrong.

Lily was so tiny compared to me, it felt like I should be the consoling her, not the other way around. "Thank you," I breathed into her hair.

"No problem, it's what I'm here for," she said as she pulled away and looked into my eyes. "Well mostly…" she trailed off.

I looked at her than, I couldn't help myself, I could feel myself being drawn in. I couldn't have stopped myself if I wanted too, and I certainly didn't want too. Our lips touched, and my body just took over, I wrapped my arms tighter around her, and pulled her onto my lap. She was responding just as enthusiastically, her hands were in my hair, pulling my face closer. She deepened the kiss. I could feel her heart beating to the same beat as mine. We broke apart minutes later, almost drowning in each other, the need for air was that bad.

"Wow," I panted, not totally from the lack of oxygen.

"Yeah, I'll just head off to bed now; you seem to be ok now." She got up and all but ran from the room. Her face was the colour of her hair.

I lay back a smile on my face. My dream was totally forgotten.


	5. Chapter 5

**A Day Worth Remembering**

I woke up the next morning trying really hard to remember the amazing dream I had the night before. The dream was like the ones I used to have last year. The kinds that usually ended up with me in fucking cold shower.

This one had been different though, it was as if I could actually feel her lips on mine. The pull of her hands against my hair. I sat up fast.

"Whoa head rush." It wasn't just from me sitting up too fast either.

The night came flooding back to me and I leaned back and smiled as I remembered the feeling of having her soft lips pressed against mine. I stopped the thought there, now was not the time. I couldn't remember why she had been in my room though. Than it came too me and I grabbed the pillow lying next to me and pressed it against my face, groaning loudly.

The dream, that was why she had been in here. She had been consoling me. Ugh why did the reason that Lily and I share our first kiss have to be because I had been freaking out over a dream that would plague me for the rest of my life? Had it been a pity kiss? I didn't think so; it sure didn't feel like one.

Now what though, I didn't want to mention it. I also hoped it would be awkward; I sure didn't need that right now either. My deep contemplating was interrupted by one noisy Marauder.

"Prongs, seriously. It's nine already what are you waiting for, the day to be over?"

"Fuck it Padfoot, its call sleep, normally people like to do that activity."

"Well normally I like to sleep too, but to day is Christmas, Happy Christmas by the way." Sirius grinned at me and I knew there would be no more sleep now.

"Alright, alright, I'm coming, no need to get your knickers in a twist. Happy Christmas to you too." I got up and went to grab a clean white shirt from the drawer.

By the time I had made it down to the common room everyone was there. Everyone, including Lily. She looked up when I came down the stairs only for a brief second, but long enough for me to catch the small smile on her face. Once her head was down again, her face rapidly changed the exact shade of her hair. I couldn't help the smug smile that made its way onto my face.

Sirius and Remus look at me and than turned and saw Lily's red face. Sirius let out his bark like laugh, though was quickly shut up by Remus' elbow that collided with his ribs. They knew something had gone on between us. I mean even if I had forgotten, not that that would ever happen. Ever. Just looking at her you could tell, it wasn't every day that Lily Evans blushed.

Remus cleared the air quickly, not wanting anymore awkward silences. "Jeeze James took you long enough, let's open these presents."

I made my way to where my pile of presents was located. I didn't trust my voice. I knew if I tried talking it would crack.

Everyone opened their presents in a flurry of wrappings thrown everywhere, as well as the constant laughter and jokes. Eventually there were no paper left to throw, yet laughter filled the room. It felt good. To laugh, to joke, to act as if I didn't have a care in the world, it felt really good.

It was at that moment that I realized something. Yes my parents, and most family members were gone, but I could still live. I could live for them; it is what they would want. My laughing mother would never have wanted me to spend most of my days holed up in my room. My father wouldn't have wanted me to throw away my future, for any reason. I could still make them proud, I just couldn't tell them about it, yet.

I stood up, determined in what I was about to do. The room had gone quiet, all eyes on me, though I didn't care. On a subconscious level I knew they were worried, that it was too much, and that I hadn't had enough time to adjust yet. They didn't need to worry anymore.

I stood in front of Lily leaned down and whispered, "Happy Christmas." Than I kissed her.

I didn't care that it was in front of everyone. All I cared about was the fact that I loved Lily and I needed her to know that. And by the way she was kissing me back; I got the feeling that she knew how I felt.

Her hands were tangled in my hair; my hands were on her neck, tilting her head so that I could have clear access to her lips. We broke away. I had no way to tell time, but by the look on my friend's faces, we had been kissing for awhile.

"Well it's about time," Sirius finally said. Lily laughed and stood up on her tip toes to kiss me again. I kissed her, not caring that my friends were in the room. I had waited to long for this to be embarrassed.

After we broke away again Remus interrupted us before we could kiss again. "I know that you guys probably won't want to do anything right now," Sirius snorted, "But why don't we go outside or something, there was a snow fall last night, so fresh snow."

We all agreed. So we spent the rest of the day, either outside in the snow or in the common room in front of the fire.

Lily and I would often ignore everyone else, stealing away lying in a snow bank. Or when we were in the common room, we sat in a corner, with her on my lap. Even during the feast, we sat close to each other, often kissing each other in between bites. At one point we were entwined behind a tapestry, not paying any attention to anything around us.

The day passed quickly, it was by far one of the best days of my life, and I didn't want it to ever have to end.

The sun had long since passed below the horizon line, the only light in the common room was coming from the fire that had slowly been burning out for hours, no one have bothered stoking it.

Lily and I lay on the couch, our bodies entwined, in a way that we had wanted to be for hours. The rest of the Marauders had left an hour earlier. Sirius had laughed as he climbed out of the portrait hole, I hadn't paid him any attention my mind, and lips were occupied with Lily. Since they had left we had only shifted, never breaking apart. I was now hovering over her, never letting my full weight fall on her, and yet at the same time, completely pressed against her.

Lily's hands had travelled down my chest, sending chills down my neck; I released her lips and moved mine to her neck, trailing hot open mouthed kisses across her collarbone. Her hands moved to the bottom of my shirt and she slowly ran them across my stomach. As I let a low gasp, she removed her hands and moved them so that they were holding my face.

Lily brought her own face closer to mine, so close that I could see every one of her long eyelashes, so close that I could count the freckles on her nose, so close that when her lips moved I could feel them brush my own.

"I love you," I looked at her, the full weight of her words settling on me. Before I could reply she continued. "I know you might not feel the same way, but I just wanted… no needed you to know how I felt." She took a deep breath; I could tell she was preparing herself to continue. But I didn't let her continue. My lips pressed fully against hers. She immediately deepened the kiss.

We had been kissing all day, but those kisses combined were nothing like this kiss. It was as if I could feel every nerve ending, they were all sparking in unity. Not only was a pressing down into her, she was arching her back, pressing into me as well. She finally pulled away with a gasp and a low moan.

"I love you too," I panted. She just looked at me. As I began to look away, I felt her lips once again pressed to mine.

The feelings that were running through my body were nothing I had ever felt in my life. Sure I had kissed my fair share of girls. But that was it they were girls, and this was so much more.

I hadn't even registered the fact that Lily was now lying on me, or the fact that, I had no shirt and she was completely in her underwear. It was only when I felt her undo my pants, and her hands slide inside. I closed my eyes tight, praying this wasn't a dream.

"Are you sure," I managed to get out, her fingers were slowly running the length of me, and I was shuddering uncontrollably.

She leaned down and kissed my ear, "I have never been so sure in my life, I love you James Potter."

I couldn't handle anymore. I flipped us both over and kissed her, my hand running its way up the inside of her thigh, She moaned low and long, arching her back and pressing herself against me. I could feel myself digging into her. I couldn't handle much more. I quickly rid myself of my remaining clothes, and soon Lily had nothing else on either.

Than it hit me, this was our first time. We would never ever have another first time, and we were rushing through it, not taking the proper time that I had always imagined we would end up taking. I hadn't realized I had stopped kissing her.

"What's wrong," Lily whispered into my ear.

"Aren't we moving a little fast?" I asked looking deep into her eyes.

"I thought you wanted this, I mean we can stop if you want." She couldn't hide the disappointment, the frustration, the raw lust that was pooling in her eyes.

"No, I meant I thought we would take our time enjoy each other our first time."

"James, we have all night to take our time and be slow, and _enjoy ourselves_. Right now I need you, only you."

That was all it took, the promise of more, and all I wanted was the now. I completely forgot about the "taking time" part and just concentrated on Lily, which wasn't that hard to do.

Before I knew it I was moaning Lily's name, while pressing my lips to her neck, we were moving to the same beat, I could feel her heart beating to the time as mine. It was that moment that I knew Lily and I were meant to be together forever.

The next morning I woke in Lily's room her head against my shoulder, her body press against mine. I kissed her forehead, she stirred snuggling closer. We had made our way through the dorm, until we finally ended up in her room.

"Good morning."

I looked down to see two sparkling green eyes looking up at me.

"Good morning to you too," I said leaning down to kiss her. She pushed her head back into the pillow. "What is it?" I asked hearing the concern in my voice.

"James, I don't know if we can do this, I mean what will people say, we've fought for six years. All of a sudden were dating."

I looked at her, absolutely shocked. "It doesn't matter what other people think. What matters is what we think, and I think… no I know I love you."

"Are you sure?" she whispered.

"Positive, we were meant to be, I know it. And I promise I will always be here."

She reached up and pulled my head down to meet hers and pressed her lips to mine, I took that to be her agreement, and wasted no time in showing her that were meant to be.

**The End **

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Authors Note: Hope you enjoyed this please review and let me know what you think.


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